I have always known you by your absence. But isn’t that what infinity portrays: a profound absence? It is completely limitless and boundless but that doesn’t stop it from being present. Similarly, you might be far away, I might not see you with every dawn that drives the darkness away but that certainly does not mean that you are gone. You might not be there physically but I have felt you standing beside me every step of the way.
I yearn to hold your hand but every time I reach out I am met with nothing but stillness. The wind no more plays with the trees, engaging them in a euphoric dance. The earthly scent of freshly washed soil brought by the droplets of rain, doesn’t feel right. The vibrant hues of crimson and orange that evade the sky after the sunset just feel oddly incomplete, as if there is more beauty that needs to be unveiled. There is a certain unexpected darkness that seems to be slowly creeping up inside me. And it scares me, I close my eyes but that doesn’t work, I keep on falling, I keep on falling into this hollow nothingness.
Maybe the stillness I see around me is a reflection of the numbness of my heart. After all it is always what you feel inside that gets reflected in the things around you. Every time, I try to define what your absence feels like, they say I am exaggerating, that anyone can only affect you as much as you allow them to, that it is your choice to grow attached. But I swear, this is not attachment. How can you be attached to something that you are a part of? How can you be attached to infinity? How can you be attached to an absence?
What I feel for you is not something one can control, it is more than a mere attachment, it is something more than that can be confined within the boundaries of the word “love”. What I feel for you extends beyond eternity. It is something that cannot be defined or labelled.
Picture source: Alessandro Sacchi