There is really nothing left to hang onto. Everywhere I look I see nothing but my own suffering, just different versions of it every time. Sometimes it hits me in the form of cold icy winds, leaving me numb and utterly vulnerable, other times it feels like crashing into a hard brick wall and shattering into pieces that cannot be put back together. And this not even the worst part. The worst part is that I know that this is all self inflicted. There is nobody to blame because I choose to be this way.
There are times that I stare at my reflection for a little too long as if the person on the other end confuses me. I see a person with a perfect smile plastered on her face, fulfilling the demands of society yet deep inside she feels completely exhausted with no mask of coping left to put on. The person on the other end has eyes that speak of devotion and confidence but no one really knows of the times the wounds hurt so bad that she can no more pick herself up. She constantly hears herself saying: “Be Strong!” yet the words do not register. Its really hard to hold the tears in but she does it, nevertheless. She builds this wall around herself, keeping everyone at a distance because the fear of betrayal constantly corrodes her insides. But these walls are too weak, too fragile to withstand all these voices, the voices that are echoes yet somehow find their way to the gateway of her heart.
I feel like a ball of untangled yarn. Sure, there might be some loose strands but the rest of it is entirely useless and unyielding but I’ll let you untie the knots one at a time, slowly and steadily.
I feel lost in this maze of my own lies, yet I’ll let you hold my hand and lead me through this sinking sand because just this once I feel like this is probably the right thing to do.